Cat Capers: II
A little later both Tjosan and Morris are back in the disputed lands. Officially, they both deny my control over it, my heritage dating back thousands of years and also my right to exist.
Tjosan knocks over some of my books.
Now he´s sniffing the lamp.
I go to the wardrobe, when I want to close the door he is in between my legs, jumping in the wardrobe.
He starts to fight with Morris, I leave to get my food.
I hear disturbing noises, but am past caring as long as they are taking it out on each other.
I look down and see Morris in the kitchen, the noises still continue.
I put down my plate and go to my room.
Tjosan has gone under my mattress and is now eating half a Marlboro light he has found.
Back in the kitchen, Morris is helping himself to my dinner.
I bring in an orange, throwing one segment on the floor, assuming that it will entertain them for a few minutes while I eat. Tjosan sniffs close and then instantly retracts his head far away. Pungent. He does this over and over. Pausing before going in for the next sniff, then recoiling in some kind of startled horror. He reaches out with his paw, nearly touching it, but for some reason he can´t, pulling his leg back in. Repeatedly he tries to claw out, ever so close to the orange, but he can never quite bring himself to touch it. Like a dog owner trying to muster up enough courage to pick up their dog´s shit on the pavement, getting squeamish at the last minute and backing out. Moments later Morris arrives on the scene. His investigative sniffing ends with the same result, recoiling back. Now he wants to touch the orange, but he can´t bare to do it either.
I now hope to utilise the orange as a weapon against all cat kind. First I will sell it to stupid British people who love their gardens. They will use my scent to keep cats off their lawn. When I raise enough money I will then train an army of dogs, buy them passports and send them to England and America to dispose of my enemies. This will leave me unaccountable by law for my actions. I´ll keep a few in Sweden too, as a deterrent.
I start to sit on the floor, turn my head and see Tjosan on the window sill. By the time I´m fully sat he´s between my knees. I lie down to relax and he´s motor boating all around my face. Now he´s trying to break into my right pocket, then brings a paw down to prevent me getting in my own pocket. Now he´s back on the window sill. Now he´s pounced, dropping on top of Morris and landing with his teeth wrapped around her throat.
I fear for what they would do to me if I was the same size as them. I guess that they´d relentlessly hound and torture me until I was either dead or had managed to secrete an orangey body odour to repel them. I wondered if they knew that humans needed the lights on at night to see and if they would attack me in pitch black, dead of night?
Because of my cat nightmares I´m too scared to pick either of them up and so I don´t know how to get them out of my room. Reasoning in English to a Swedish animal proved futile, as did shining the lamp right in their eyes. I Decide to dabble in some temperature torture. Opening the window, letting the cold snow air unsettle them, forcing them to Magnus´s warm bed. Instead of fleeing they come to the wondow, both on hind legs, sniffing the air for a long time. Indoor cats aren´t used to the outside air, lots of smells. Guess who jumps up on the window sill, forcing me to close it in case he goes lemming on me?
To their discredit , they fell for a very base and low plan, worthy of a dog. I coaxed them out with an apple, they both fell for it and left.
At night they sit outside the door, crying, letting you know that you have trapped them out and they can´t get in. They cleverly put you off guard, lulling you into a false sense of security, because in the morning they are always in the room, prowling in circles, looking for a hunt.
Panda Lloyd left his boyz back at Leylla´s. He feared a tiger invasion and came for a quiet life. He can´t sleep in the bed with me now. At night he has nightmares and flings himself out of the bed, across the room. He fears being eaten by the cats in the morning and because he left his most fearsome bodyguard, Pariah, back at Leyllas.
Tjosan knocks over some of my books.
Now he´s sniffing the lamp.
I go to the wardrobe, when I want to close the door he is in between my legs, jumping in the wardrobe.
He starts to fight with Morris, I leave to get my food.
I hear disturbing noises, but am past caring as long as they are taking it out on each other.
I look down and see Morris in the kitchen, the noises still continue.
I put down my plate and go to my room.
Tjosan has gone under my mattress and is now eating half a Marlboro light he has found.
Back in the kitchen, Morris is helping himself to my dinner.
I bring in an orange, throwing one segment on the floor, assuming that it will entertain them for a few minutes while I eat. Tjosan sniffs close and then instantly retracts his head far away. Pungent. He does this over and over. Pausing before going in for the next sniff, then recoiling in some kind of startled horror. He reaches out with his paw, nearly touching it, but for some reason he can´t, pulling his leg back in. Repeatedly he tries to claw out, ever so close to the orange, but he can never quite bring himself to touch it. Like a dog owner trying to muster up enough courage to pick up their dog´s shit on the pavement, getting squeamish at the last minute and backing out. Moments later Morris arrives on the scene. His investigative sniffing ends with the same result, recoiling back. Now he wants to touch the orange, but he can´t bare to do it either.
I now hope to utilise the orange as a weapon against all cat kind. First I will sell it to stupid British people who love their gardens. They will use my scent to keep cats off their lawn. When I raise enough money I will then train an army of dogs, buy them passports and send them to England and America to dispose of my enemies. This will leave me unaccountable by law for my actions. I´ll keep a few in Sweden too, as a deterrent.
I start to sit on the floor, turn my head and see Tjosan on the window sill. By the time I´m fully sat he´s between my knees. I lie down to relax and he´s motor boating all around my face. Now he´s trying to break into my right pocket, then brings a paw down to prevent me getting in my own pocket. Now he´s back on the window sill. Now he´s pounced, dropping on top of Morris and landing with his teeth wrapped around her throat.
I fear for what they would do to me if I was the same size as them. I guess that they´d relentlessly hound and torture me until I was either dead or had managed to secrete an orangey body odour to repel them. I wondered if they knew that humans needed the lights on at night to see and if they would attack me in pitch black, dead of night?
Because of my cat nightmares I´m too scared to pick either of them up and so I don´t know how to get them out of my room. Reasoning in English to a Swedish animal proved futile, as did shining the lamp right in their eyes. I Decide to dabble in some temperature torture. Opening the window, letting the cold snow air unsettle them, forcing them to Magnus´s warm bed. Instead of fleeing they come to the wondow, both on hind legs, sniffing the air for a long time. Indoor cats aren´t used to the outside air, lots of smells. Guess who jumps up on the window sill, forcing me to close it in case he goes lemming on me?
To their discredit , they fell for a very base and low plan, worthy of a dog. I coaxed them out with an apple, they both fell for it and left.
At night they sit outside the door, crying, letting you know that you have trapped them out and they can´t get in. They cleverly put you off guard, lulling you into a false sense of security, because in the morning they are always in the room, prowling in circles, looking for a hunt.
Panda Lloyd left his boyz back at Leylla´s. He feared a tiger invasion and came for a quiet life. He can´t sleep in the bed with me now. At night he has nightmares and flings himself out of the bed, across the room. He fears being eaten by the cats in the morning and because he left his most fearsome bodyguard, Pariah, back at Leyllas.
posted by Swedophilia at 17:42
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