Wicked Words: I

Welcome to a regular feature of the show where I, Caterwaul Klink Klonk, present to you a little known, seldom used word that I believe should be resurrected into the realm of everybodys’ everyday tedium.

They are words that will make you wonder how you ever managed to scrape through life without them; words that will confound your friends, dispose of your enemies and show up your alleged superiors for the vacuous, mashed potato brained, sycophantic sacks of sticky, stale wank they truly, truly are.

Wicked word: I

Dipsomaniac

Definition:

A person who has strong urges for alcoholic drink that they cannot control.

Usage:

Becoming disgruntled at those innebriated wretches down at your local drinking pit who boastfully deem it necessary to slip it into the conversation every 5 minutes the amount of alcohol they have thus far consumed?

Why not deal with them in the following manner,

A typical drunken wretch:

“Yeah, he took it round 5 of them and then he....he... God, I’m well pissed me.
Seen that girl’s arse? , I’d like to stick my general in her back bunker and then go to war*. Know whatz I mean?
Yeah, this is my 6th pint no...(pause while he concentrates deeply, counting with the aide of his fingers) 7th now and me and this guy, this fuckin’ guy (the wretch proceeds to put his arm round the man next to him,squeezing him tight, leaning on him for support) drank a bottle of fuckin’ wine on the walk down. Same again tomorrow”

You:

‘Squire, I fear, by your own admission, that you may be a dipsomaniac.’

Wretch:

“You calling me a fuckin’ mental? The last guy who called me mental now drives a wheelchair to work, except work is a centre for mentally brain damaged people and except he can’t drive because he’s so fuckd up.”

You:

‘Sir, I was merely stating that you have a worrying predilection for the joys of fermented vegetable juice’

Wretch:

‘You fuckin’ what?’

You:

‘You like getting slaughtered off your tits’

Wretch:

“oh, yeah, too right, fuck yeah”

You:

‘So you are a dipsomaniac?’

Watch in delight as the conundrum you have now faced him with knocks all the merry, irritating cheer out of this all too common specimen of Englishness. He knows that he does like to drink and that he likes people to know about it, but isn’t being a maniac make him retarded in some way? Doesn’t dipso sound a little bit like dick, especially if you are drunk? He can’t work out whether you have offended him or congratulated him. He now sits slumped in a drunken depressed state of despair for the rest of the evening, devoid of his cocky shenanigans and incapable of discussing his alcohol consumption for fear of being a spacker.

Today you have learnt a new word, you have also won a future battle.


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“I deliver wicked words for yall to consider, these wise words to prize with pride”

Caterwaul Klink Klonk with his “shit” Hip-Hop cap on. Shit as in pure, unadulterated commercial, biggin’ myself up, gangzta, ghetto Hip-Hop shite, not as in “da shit”
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*
This was an inaccurate phrase to use as it is beyond the means of the specimens we are talking about.
“I’d fuck it much” would have been more accurate.
For the sake of spice and because I invented this phrase on the spot and am proud of it, it has been included.